Where polyamory is needed; relationship advice blogs. ? atheist ...

Posted by shaunphilly in Culture and Society, Polyamory.
Tags: cheating, relationships, romance, sex
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Occasionally I check out the blogs at wordpress (which is the software this site is run on) for tags like ?religion? or, in today?s case, ?relationships,? to see what people are writing about.? And most of the time I find a bunch of crap, but occasionally I find something interesting.? Today, I found a couple of posts that touched on polyamory.

Over at Emilystarz, we have a post simply called ?My Life? which is about a fairly common situation of a woman who has a man in her life who has been, and wants to be, sexual with other people.? The added complication of a baby between them makes the situation more frustrating to see, and it is obvious to me that this is just one more situation where monogamy is not working for at least one person in the relationship.

Now, all I know from the post there is what is written, so any advice I have is most-likely crap.? But I think people in such situations should be aware of polyamory, even if they ultimately decide against it, part ways, or whatever.? I think that this issue of responsible non-monogamy needs to be part of the conversation, not only in specific cases such as this, but in all similar cases with relationships.

I think it needs to be part of our cultural conversation about relationships.? With that in mind, let?s move onto the next post I found.? In this case we have a writer asking for advice, and getting an awful response.? It?s over at lovejays.com, and it is entitled ?Playing the Field.?? here?s the gist:

Q: Dear Love Jays,

Is it okay I?m dating one guy (we aren?t exclusive) and sleeping with another?

A: Dear Double Dippin?,

Non-exclusive dating gives you the freedom to date, sleep, or hang out with anyone your little heart desires. Dating is a time when you get to explore several options and decide which person (if any) has the potential of becoming more serious.

So, is it okay that you?re dating one and sleeping with another? Technically, yes. Would I recommend continuing this behavior? No. Sex embodies much more emotions than just the physical exchanges of pleasure between our ?money spots?. Sex was designed to be shared between two people who are committed to each other and share something special. Casually having sex with people will eventually take its toll on the mental psyche of woman or man. I?m sure there are several of you who want to rebuttal my last statement, but rest assured ? you will have your ?aha? moment one day. Long story short, sex simply makes things complicated ? physically and emotionally.

Easy advice ? pick one and stick to ?em! It?s much much easier to focus your attention on one person and will save you from emotionally damage, even if you are unaware of it at this moment.. If you get bored of him, on to the next one. That?s the beauty of dating!

Sincerely,

Mr. J

This, quite frankly, is the poly equivalent to reading a creationist argument for an atheist.? Reading this is like looking at a train wreck of relationship advice.

To deconstruct what is wrong with this advice, I would have to start from page one of polyamory.? I?d have to link so many posts from this blog in the past?I just don?t have the energy to do it.

Oh fine?here a couple of examples:

  1. The Bachelorette and Polyamory
  2. Poly lessons I learned from cheating while monogamous

But, onto the post.? Let?s do it a piece at a time:

Non-exclusive dating gives you the freedom to date, sleep, or hang out with anyone your little heart desires. Dating is a time when you get to explore several options and decide which person (if any) has the potential of becoming more serious.

This is not awful.? If I were to try and be fair to this, I could even partially agree with this.? The first sentence, in fact, is spot on.? It?s a statement of fact, but then with the following sentence it takes a turn for the worse.

Where it says ??and decide which person (if any) has the potential of becoming more serious,? it could be read to mean that we use this time to decide which people are worth keeping around, which is true for polyamory as well.? But the ?more serious,? as we shall see, implies exclusivity.? Exclusive does not mean more serious, nor vice-versa.

?Mr. J? continues:

So, is it okay that you?re dating one and sleeping with another? Technically, yes. Would I recommend continuing this behavior? No. Sex embodies much more emotions than just the physical exchanges of pleasure between our ?money spots?. Sex was designed to be shared between two people who are committed to each other and share something special.

Sex does often involve many emotions, and should be dealt with responsibly, both in terms of physical safety and emotional maturity.? My experience with sex with many people over the years in serially monogamous, polyamorous, and group sex environments has shown me that we are capable of sex in more ways than most people have imagined.

Sex is great between two people.? It has the capability to draw them emotionally close, bring great pleasure, and is even good exercise.? But there is no necessary damage to that relationship just because you have it with other people.? The only way this is possible is by not being safe (and thus subjecting yourself to potential infections) or to not developing your emotional self such that you deal with emotional issues such as jealousy.

Things like jealousy are real issues that need to be dealt with, and it is fortunate that they can be dealt with.? And let?s not forget that some people are simply not prone to it in the same way.? But jealousy is not, in itself, an excuse not to pursue our desires.? Rather, it is a challenge to work on.? Like fear, it stands against us and makes us dip into the well of our baser instincts.? It makes us act irrational, possessive, and petty rather than mature and rational.? Jealousy is not something to be proud of; it is something to try and heal if we can.

Sex can be shared between two people who share something special, sure.? It?s great when that happens.? But it does not imply that at some other time those same two people might also have some special sexy time with some other people with whom they share a close and special relationship.? Further, sex can also can be shared between three or four people who share something special, or even between some people who just sort of like each other a bit and like each others? bodies.? This conservative view of sex espoused by ?Mr. J? is simply not true in general, and so it should not be espoused as general advice.

It may be true for Mr. (and/or Miss.) J, but if it isn?t true for many people, then it?s only true by accident and not by necessity or generally.? Nonetheless, he continues:

Casually having sex with people will eventually take its toll on the mental psyche of woman or man. I?m sure there are several of you who want to rebuttal my last statement, but rest assured ? you will have your ?aha? moment one day.

I, and many other committed polyamorous (and swinging) people out here in the world have a different experience.? My ?aha? moment was realizing that the mythology of the ideal ?one? that exists for each of us was the problem.? Mr. J needs to check his assumptions about the very nature of relationships before proclaiming general truths about love and sex, because there are many of us who find his view, well, parochial.

Still, he persists:

Long story short, sex simply makes things complicated ? physically and emotionally.

It sure does.? How does this imply that we should have to limit ourselves to one person, ultimately? Because it?s easier? It might be easier, except when you are in love with two people, when you have to repress your natural sexuality in favor of a cultural construct which asks us to repress much of that sexuality, etc for the sake of an ideal.? There is a real existential agony that can exist in moments when we yearn for two loves, and feel like we have to choose.? How awful to be told that you, in fact, should choose rather than consider other options, such as polyamory, swinging, etc.? How trite.? How small-minded. How limited?and limiting!

Why, for the sake of all that is not holy, would anyone have to choose simply because it is superficially ?easier?? It?s only easier because it conforms to the narrative you, Mr. J, are drowning in.? Swim to the surface, Mr. J, and breathe pure air.

So, my advice to Double Dippin?; Love who you love, how you love them (even if it?s just dirty, fun, sex) openly, honestly, and with consideration and respect.? Don?t let Mr. J?s conservative views on sexuality ruin your ride in life or force you to choose when you may not have to.

That?s all I can stomach, today.

Source: http://polyskeptic.com/2012/09/11/where-polyamory-is-needed-relationship-advice-blogs/

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New Apple mobile software to get maps, Siri update

FILE-In this Thursday, June 24, 2010 file photo, Piotr Kubiak of Oakland, Ill., shows off his new iPhone 4, right, next to his old iPhone outside of an Apple store, in Chicago. Millions of people will likely buy new iPhones after Apple's expected announcement of a new model on Wednesday, Sept. 12, 2012. The new phones would join some 244 million iPhones already sold since the first one launched in 2007. Some have been lost, some stolen and some are still in use. But it's fair to say that millions of iPhones are languishing in desk drawers or gathering dust. (AP Photo/Kiichiro Sato, File)

FILE-In this Thursday, June 24, 2010 file photo, Piotr Kubiak of Oakland, Ill., shows off his new iPhone 4, right, next to his old iPhone outside of an Apple store, in Chicago. Millions of people will likely buy new iPhones after Apple's expected announcement of a new model on Wednesday, Sept. 12, 2012. The new phones would join some 244 million iPhones already sold since the first one launched in 2007. Some have been lost, some stolen and some are still in use. But it's fair to say that millions of iPhones are languishing in desk drawers or gathering dust. (AP Photo/Kiichiro Sato, File)

(AP) ? A new iPhone is getting much of the attention, but Apple's older phones will get a software upgrade this fall as well. A new operating system sports a different mapping service and a built-in bond with Facebook.

Apple has said that its iOS 6 software will sport more than 200 new features, though some won't be available on all devices. It will be a free upgrade for iPhones released since 2009, as well as last year's and this year's iPad models. It will also work with newer iPod Touch devices.

And of course, it will be on the new iPhone 5, which Apple Inc. is expected to unveil on Wednesday. The company may provide more details then on when the software update will be available for older phones.

Here are some highlights of iOS 6:

? Maps.

Apple's mobile devices will have a mapping program, built in-house.

In the past, Apple has given prominent billing to Google Inc.'s mapping app. But the two companies have increasingly become rivals as people buy more devices running Google's Android operating system. Google also has been keeping some features, including turn-by-turn directions spoken aloud, exclusive to Android.

Apple's new Maps application will have a voice navigation feature. It will have real-time traffic data and offer alternative routes as traffic conditions change.

It will also include "flyover" three-dimensional images taken by helicopters hired by the company to fly over major cities. Google has been dispatching its own planes to produce similar 3D images.

Apple's map program will be integrated with its Siri virtual assistant so that you can ask for directions and pose other questions.

? Facebook.

The new software promises better integration with Facebook. The upgrade will enable you to log into Facebook just once, and then you will be able to post to the social network from a variety of apps. You can also post about websites directly from Apple's Safari browser.

Facebook will be integrated with Apple's online app store so that you can declare that you "like" specific apps there, as well as songs and movies in iTunes.

Events in Facebook's calendar and birthdays of Facebook friends will also appear on your phone's calendar.

? Siri.

IOS 6 will have enhancements to Siri, which interprets voice commands and talks back to the user. It is also coming to the iPad for the first time.

Siri, introduced last October with the iPhone 4S, is supposed to get better at fielding questions about movies, restaurants and other things.

Apple says it is partnering with Yelp Inc. so that Siri can include ratings and prices of restaurants when you ask her about places to eat. The company is also partnering with OpenTable Inc. to make reservations.

Siri will now be available in more languages and more countries.

Apple also says it's working with car manufacturers to let you use a button on the steering wheel to talk to Siri, allowing you to keep your hands on the road. Apple says General Motors Co., BMW AG and Daimler AG's Mercedes are among the automakers that have promised to offer Siri integration in the next 12 months.

? Calls

Don't want to be disturbed?

Apple's new software will give you more options for preventing messages and text notifications from disturbing you at night, for instance.

You can control how and when you get back to people. If you can't call someone back right away, you can set a reminder to call that person back later or have a text message sent directly to the caller.

There's a "call when you leave" feature that reminds you to call back when you are leaving a building or office. The phone can detect when you are leaving.

? Passbook

Apple's new Passbook feature will be a central place to keep your boarding passes, tickets and gift cards.

When you get to a Starbucks, for instance, the device will bring up your gift card if you have one and if you have the location feature turned on. Likewise, when you get to a movie theater or baseball stadium, the ticket will pop up. Passbook will also alert you to gate changes and flight delays once you have a boarding pass stored.

Passbook could be the foundation for a new digital commerce hub for Apple, especially if the iPhone 5 includes a "near-field communication" chip that enables payment information to be transferred by tapping a device on a terminal at a checkout stand. A few Android phones use this technology to process payments with a feature known as Google Wallet.

Associated Press

Source: http://hosted2.ap.org/APDEFAULT/495d344a0d10421e9baa8ee77029cfbd/Article_2012-09-11-Holiday%20Gadgets-Mobile%20Software/id-abe3fd9ef1f5493aa2d5c2987a5b9b34

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Music mogul Clive Davis to release autobiography

NEW YORK (AP) ? Music mogul Clive Davis will release an autobiography in February that will include "the excitements, the disappointments and the triumphs" of his career.

The untitled book will be released through Simon & Schuster and will be written with music journalist Anthony DeCurtis. A news release says it will include "never-before-heard tales" about Davis' work with acts like Whitney Houston, John Lennon, Bruce Springsteen, Janis Joplin and Bob Dylan.

Financial terms were not disclosed for Davis' book deal, but an official with knowledge of the negotiations said the deal was worth seven figures. The official was not authorized to discuss the deal and asked not to be identified.

Davis has helped the careers of many top musicians from Aretha Franklin to Billy Joel to Alicia Keys. The Harvard Law School graduate founded both Arista and J Records. He's currently the COO of Sony Music and is working on Franklin's new album and Houston's forthcoming greatest hits set.

The 80-year-old released his first book, "Clive: Inside The Record Business," in 1975.

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/music-mogul-clive-davis-release-autobiography-145413175.html

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City College Of San Francisco Budget Meeting Spurs Protests, Threats Of Bankruptcy

A Board of Trustees meeting at City College of San Francisco turned heated when dozens of protesting students stormed the room, calling for the board's resignation and opposing a move to assign a special trustee from the state to oversee the school's troubled finances.

The meeting was intended to address the school's budget crisis and impending closure.

"No cuts, no fees, education should be free," and "we don't want austerity, no to the special trustee," students chanted, according to The Examiner. They cited fears that the university would go private, which could result in soaring costs.

With a student population of 86,000, CCSF is the largest public school in California. But after a review by the Accrediting Commission for Community and Junior Colleges revealed a financial crisis and "leadership weakness at all levels," the school now faces loss of accreditation, closure and possible bankruptcy. CCSF has until October 15 to submit a plan of action, and until March to save the school.

If the board hadn't voted in favor, the state chancellor's office would have appointed one.

The Examiner reported:

A special trustee can be voluntarily requested or forced upon an institution. In a state-imposed model, the trustee would replace the local governing board as the decision-making authority. However, the voluntary placement approved Tuesday allows the board to retain control while the special trustee offers guidance.

?If we don?t take this action ourselves, someone will take it for us,? said Trustee Natalie Berg, who voted with the majority. ?It?s important we take this action and that we stand up for what we need to do.?

According to the San Francisco Chronicle, protesters were unmoved.

"We want our college to remain democratic," said Associated Students of City College President Shanell Williams during the meeting. "If they can do this to us, they can do it across America."

CCSF's severe financial troubles came to light in July after the review discovered that 92 percent of the college's spending goes towards salaries and benefits.

The report concluded that the school lacks a sustainable funding plan. "The remaining eight percent is simply not adequate for all other operations and maintenance," it stated.

"[CCSF has] always paid its instructors well. It has always put teaching and student services at the top of the list of priorities," said CCSF's consultant and spokesman Larry Kamer to California Watch. "There are a couple issues that we'll have to look at, though, including how generous we can be moving forward."

The state's community college system chancellor Jack Scott was straightforward with the Chronicle about the seriousness of the situation, warning that "all hell would break loose" if trustees did not take necessary austerity measures.

"City College has done some wonderful things," he said. "But they have significant deficiencies that could actually lead to bankruptcy."

Also on HuffPost:

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Source: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/12/city-college-of-san-francisco_n_1879370.html

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Union plans to challenge Fla. privatization plan

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (AP) ? A long-running push by the administration of Florida Gov. Rick Scott to privatize thousands of prison jobs could soon be headed back to court, marking yet another constitutional clash for the Republican governor.

Florida's prison's agency has asked a legislative panel to approve spending nearly $58 million in order to privatize prison health care operations by January. The move could affect up to nearly 3,000 employees statewide.

But the union that represents state workers contends that the Legislative Budget Commission cannot legally make such a large change to the state's nearly $70 billion state budget. That role is left to the entire Legislature, said Tom Brooks, an attorney for the American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees.

Brooks said the union will sue if the budget panel approves the privatization plan at its Wednesday meeting.

State legislators back in 2011 had previously approved the privatization effort but they tucked it into the overall state budget. That move sparked a court fight, but a judge this summer declared the case over because the outsourcing provision had expired at the end of the June. That's when the state's fiscal year ended.

"This is just a back door attempt to revive (the provision)," Brooks said.

Senate Democratic Leader Nan Rich, D-Weston, agrees with the union that the Scott administration and the legislative panel are overstepping their authority.

"It has a certain role, one of making limited adjustments in the budget, not creating a policy change," Rich said.

House and Senate leaders did not respond directly for comment on the lawsuit threat.

But the Florida Department of Corrections, pointing to another section of state law, contends it can move ahead with the privatization plan without legislative approval. The agency only needs the approval of the budget panel in order to pay for it.

Ann Howard, a spokeswoman for the department, says that if the state does not privatize its health care operations for nearly 100,000 inmates it will create a deficit in the state's prison budget by more than $60 million.

The agency says that the deficit will be lowered to about $6 million if the privatization plan goes ahead.

"This is common sense math," Howard said. "We have to be responsible. The choice is obvious."

The department already has selected two companies to handle health care services. The state picked Pittsburgh-based Wexford Health Sources for the southern part of the state and Corizon Inc. of Brentwood, Tenn., for other regions.

Follow Gary Fineout on Twitter: http://twitter.com/fineout

Source: http://news.yahoo.com/union-plans-challenge-fla-privatization-plan-201238705--finance.html

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Sony RX1: The First Full-Frame Point-and-Shoot Camera (Which Is as Crazy/Genius as It Sounds) [Cameras]

Today we met Sony's new flagship DSLR, the a99: A professional-grade, full-frame sensor camera that gives all the rest a run for their money. With that in mind, we'll just call the Sony Cyber-Shot RX1 "Honey I Shrank the Full-Frame". Yes, it's freaking crazy. It's potentially brilliant too. More »


Source: http://feeds.gawker.com/~r/gizmodo/full/~3/iJdzsSQL3kI/sony-rx1-the-first-full+frame-point+and+shoot-camera-which-is-as-crazygenius-as-it-sounds

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As Mitt Romney's convention closes, the buzz in Germany is about Paul Ryan

The Republican focus, of course, was the official nomination of Mitt Romney for president. But Germany appears more interested in his choice of running mate.

By Rieke Havertz,?Contributor / August 31, 2012

Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney and vice presidential nominee, Rep. Paul Ryan (l.) wave to delegates during the Republican National Convention in Tampa, Fla., on Thursday, Aug. 30.

J. Scott Applewhite/AP

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After the last balloon fell at the Republican convention in Tampa, Fla., last night, German media delivered their verdict on the now-official Romney-Ryan ticket. Despite the fact that the convention focused on the crowning of Mitt Romney, it was really his sidekick, Paul Ryan, that grabbed German attention.

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As Mr. Romney has been campaigning for years to get his shot at the White House, he is a well-known name in Germany. His big acceptance speech, however, still hit the news, given that he is the one challenging President Obama, who is still highly popular overseas.

The Munich based Sueddeutsche Zeitung gave Romney credit for a solid speech, but summed up its take with its headline: "Romney wants to take America back to the past." The weekly Die Zeit was less polite, wondering in its online election blog: "who the hell has written that speech for Romney?" It gave him only 5 out of 10 possible points for his performance.

But much of the comment was about Ryan. Germany is still trying to figure out who that 42-year-old politician with the college boy look is ? and what influence he would have in a potential Romney administration.

The daily Frankfurter Allgemeine Zeitung stated what many thought: that Paul Ryan is a far better speaker than Romney. Spiegel Online comments in its editorial that Ryan is "more dangerous than Sarah Palin" because his ideas would be a declaration of war on America's social welfare. The Hamburg-based online publication showed concern that Ryan could lead the Republican party more to the right for years to come, even if team Romney-Ryan fails at winning the White House.

'Ryan is the real king'

The business paper Handelsblatt made an even stronger statement, suggesting that once in the White House, the Romney/Ryan administration could become more of a "Ryan/Romney presidency." The Berlin daily Der Tagesspiegel drew a similar conclusion, saying that Ryan could become the next president in 2016 if Obama wins over Romney: "Ryan is the real king."

Concerns about Ryan's ideas aside, he is regarded as a smart politician and is given credit for at least having a plan for solving the economic crisis (even if it's not well received) ? which German commentators so far don't see in the Romney campaign.

Source: http://rss.csmonitor.com/~r/csmonitor/globalnews/~3/QMK-IfxKQb8/As-Mitt-Romney-s-convention-closes-the-buzz-in-Germany-is-about-Paul-Ryan

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Quinton Jackson out of UFC 153 bout with Glover Teixeira

Here we go again. UFC president Dana White just tweeted the news that Quinton Jackson was injured and is out of his UFC 153 fight with Glover Teixeira.

UFC 153 already has a new main event. Last week, former UFC lightweight champion Frankie Edgar stepped in to fight Jose Aldo when Erik Koch was injured. Now, the co-main event fight is in jeopardy.

This bout was supposed to be the last on Jackson's contract, and his rocky relationship with the UFC indicated he would not be welcomed back with another contract. He is riding a two-fight losing streak and has ripped the UFC's matchmaking publicly.

Hopefully, the UFC will be able to find another opponent who will fight Teixeira in front of his home crowd. He has 16 straight wins, and debuted in the UFC with a destruction of Kyle Kingsbury in under two minutes.

It's the latest in a strong of fights that has had some sort of cancellation or change for the UFC. The main events of UFC 146, 147, 148 and 149 all changed at some point, and UFC 151 was cancelled after Dan Henderson was injured and Jon Jones turned down Chael Sonnen to replace the main event.

Source: http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/mma-cagewriter/quinton-jackson-ufc-153-bout-glover-teixeira-200131607--mma.html

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